On the Defense

That last post really came from a defensive place for me. I am feeling judged and unaccepted and angry and protective. I want to follow all the things I said at the end of the post, about open mindedness, reserved judging, etc. But I am having a really hard time not judging. And I am pretty sure that my judgement is coming from a place of fear. I am terrified of being a bad Mom, and I am scared of being rejected. These fears are soo big inside me that I think everyday about not having more kids because then I will finally be able to escape the fear. By not having another kid, I (and Evie) will grow out of this ultra judgy and scrutinized stage of parenting. But that is not true. There will always be the fear of judgement, the fear of rejection.

I don't know what happened to me. I used to love being in the "weird" crowd the "alternative" crowd. But now it seems to me that even within the "alternative" crowd there is the same crap. I think that most of my feelings are different now for two reasons.

First, now all this stuff doesn't just affect me, it affects Evelyn. I feel an unreal need to give her everything, friends, social acceptance, all of it.

Second, none of my friends from before have kids yet. I am all alone in this parent ocean, without any of my old friends to make me feel okay, and "normal".

So clearly, I have issues. Ha! I am laughing at this statement because it was just as true last year as it is now. Sure it has taken on some new forms, it has changed into different clothes, but all the same issues are there. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of not being able to protect myself or my loved ones. All these issues have been present in my life since I was 7 years old. There is a strong correlation between me at 7yrs old and the status of my parents marriage,(ie. disintegration).

But the truth, the reality of my life today is that I have a lot of friends, old and new, and they are not judging me, they are not rejecting me. They are embracing me, they are learning about the new me. Their concerns, questions, inquiries are not coming from a place of meanness, they are coming from a place of love. A lot of my friends just want to know me better, because I have had this big life change. My defensiveness is coming from my lack of self confidence, not from anywhere else. As with most of these things, I suspect that now I will feel better. Now that I have figured out where these feelings were coming from, now I will be able to rest, I will be able to see my friends and relax.